Monday, March 30, 2015


We need to get out of this state ASAP! I was just telling my buddy that I really can’t wait to get to Missouri as I really want to get more educated doctors! I am hurting something fierce, my hands are cracked and I had three seizures last night! And get this I am still waiting on Disability. It really is horrible I never choice to get a rare disease or have it at this age. Because of my age everyone looks at me like I am lying and/or faking it.

 I just canceled my appointment on the first with my rheumatologist as I am tired of her attitude. Whenever I see her all she does is tell me how “if” I go to a physical therapist this will happen or “if” I lose weight that will happen. It’s the same thing with my doctor, I spend a half n hour every time fighting with both the doctor and nurse about physical therapy. Finally the doctor finish readings what he wrote about me and we move on. Then when I need a specialist I must drive 150-300 miles for one and be told my insurance isn’t covered for this. I finally just said F it.

I sit here wondering about the decision, wonder what do I do? I don’t want to go and attempt to get help from another un knowledge doctor here. The really sad thing is I know there is nothing a doctor can do for me, this will just get worse and worse and worse with my age. Yet I still can’t get the little bit of money I paid into the government back to help me. It all boils down to proof and what they consider a disabling diseases. I have one that is hard scribed a disabling disease and that is PTSD. Though the judge is shooting that down and saying “if” this didn’t happen it wouldn’t have caused my PTSD. Well mister I think “if” anyone knew something like this would happen they would sure as try to stop it! Then the other disease that “isn’t” documented is the psoriatic arthritis and that is too rare to be covered! WHOOO HOOOO

That is why I just don’t want to waste what little energy I have left to get the evidence I need to state to the court of law that “I AM #@*& UP”! It is just an endless circle of non-sense and it is driving me mad! I had that glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t need to bank on this to make “green” to live in this world. My friend Jack that just passed was a really good friend of mine, who helped me through a ton and I mean a TON of stuff. We had such great plans that he was going to be coming home this week, we were going to get him better and then move to Missouri. When I talked with the nurse just a few days ago they were talking about paying me to help him. We were all ready to put an offer in and move out to Missouri this summer. With his untimely passing, we still decided to go forth with the trip, have fun and just see what happens. It was fun! We meet so many nice people, seen an amazing property and meet the last pastor! Well via phone but it was awesome!

Now we are back and back to the grind stone. First thing I did when I got home was water all the plants and check on everything outside. Today it was take care of all the house plants, grocery store, laundry came with having to put a new coil in the drier, and clean ourselves! Then we get the catch up to what is going on in this town and Arizona AAAnd I know horrible to say I had a hamburger and fries. I did not expect to stumble across a motel room in a town where one could buy fried chicken and fried fish at a gas station!!!! I have not had such good stuff since my grandmother passed and back in California. PLUSSSS it came from a gas station I mean here one has to specially order it from some god awful strange restaurant. This is why I say horrible as I, well should I say all of us eat way to much fast food on a trip.

That outing showed us what is to be expected this year with the freeway back open from the collapse that was like a year or more ago. All the rich and rude tourist are back and oh lord the foreign ones. Let me tell you when they go into the local stores they have to photograph everything!! That leads us to our next outing to the grocery store and prices are all back up its literally a huge ugh…I know it’s only a short time before I am handing out directions from my front porch. Now it’s time for the paper and this is what I see “Phew or Pew? State Sen. Allen Wants Mandatory Church” I look to my buddy and say we need to get out of here!

My first thought is WHAT? I mean what about all these people including myself who have faith in higher powers but it not being one particular god. My person choice is in the mother earth and all the things associated with her. I know people have strong connections to many different gods and goddess. Why do people have to do this? Why does there have to be a standard on everyone? This is why I am trying so hard to move back to a place that has suffered so much it hasn’t let anyone attempt to take their freedom. This is a will be a place that I want to spend my last days rather that be 3 years or 30 I want to go to a place that will cherish the things that I am still capable of doing and a place where we have professionals who understand that not every medical condition can be cured by weightloss.

It has been quite a spring for me and it is going to continue that way at least into April that I know of. It saddens me that I lost another good person this spring. I spoke of my grandmother she is another that I lost in spring on Easter Sunday. That was very tragic and I won’t get into the horrific cruel details. Yes in my short 30 years I have lived through a lot and I am still forced to live through a lot thanks to medical conditions I had no choice in. As was said by my grandmother “Come Hell or High Water” I will not stop doing what I love and I will not stop trying to help others. The reasons on why I have been dealt this is anyone’s guess. I personally think it is some odd curse from some odd gypsy that one of my redneck ancestor’s upset lol I will still go on and try to do whatever I am able to do!
Mother earth has help me so much through my life by showing me that no matter how tragic the event is that there is always rebirth! This one little article in this paper makes me scream “HOLY JESUS” because well the blunt answer “What is wrong with people?

PPS Just spent 10 mins answer 35 questions to have my 3000$ a month medication shipped to me from Ohio. Lord I miss the old days where I could pick it up from the pharmacy. But I look at the good side I can now brag that I shoot up more money then a crack junky lol! PLUS I have a ton of portable coolers to build a cool non disintegrating fort. Oh lord I need coffee...
I now leave with a photo of my car in Colorado.

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